small victories

after all my efforts, i got on the scale and weighed myself. and lost a grand total of (drumroll please!)....
1 pound.

1 pound? is that all? *tap*tap* is this thing broken? i must have sweated at least 1 lb. i could cut off my hair and probably lose a pound. i know, i know, these things happen over time, i've probably gained muscle which is heavier than fat, etc, etc. still, one secretly hopes. just as one writes because one "loves writing and would do it anyway, and being published doesn't matter" but really it does matter, and one always, always hopes.

speaking of writing (and i so often do) i've been working hard to do as countless writing books and seasoned (and non) writers have advised: finish that first draft! the problem is, i feel so intent on finish it that the writing and characters so often feel flat. and as i'm writing a scene i'll know it's not quite right. and sure, i can and will fix it later, but so often, once a chapter is written, i have a hard time reworking it. not because i'm so in love with it i can't bear to cut a word (i've learned to murder my babies) but because it becomes difficult for me to see what's wrong. i have an instinct to let things stay the way they are, rather than changing them for the better. this is true elsewhere in my life as well. so i wonder, is the first draft really so valuable? yes, it's necessary to write it to see where it goes, especially for a chaotic non-outliner like me, but i wonder how much potential is lost in the process?

the alternative is to write as donna tartt wrote the secret history (incidentally one of my all-time favorite books), as reported in poets & writers magazine, to lay one word at a time and not move on until each sentence is perfect. and it shows - the work flows nearly flawlessly. but i think if i did that, it would drive me mad. or i would not finish. it did, after all, take her nearly 10 years to write her first book.

a happy medium? i'm sure one exists. i'm struggling because i'm at the steep part of the learning curve ("oh crap, i probably should have kept notes of all the minor characters i've introduced - now i have to go back and find them all'), but it's time that's precious - it takes so bloody long to figure out how to do things. and i want to finish this book this year, dammit.

why am i so verbose today? dorothea brande has a rememdy for writer's block in her precious book on becoming a writer - you deny yourself any interaction with words, whether in speaking, writing, or reading. by the end of it you will be dying to write. i just came back from the gym, time spent away from the keyboard and the world of my characters. though i read, i feel the words wanting to spill out of me.

perhaps i should pump some of this energy into my book now.