Sunday, June 24, 2007

silly silly girl

i can't stop thinking that this is my last (insert activity here) as a single person. it's silly because i know, practically speaking, not much will change. after all, it's not as if i've been flirting like crazy, or doing things without ryan that i wouldn't do with him. in fact, i'm secure in the knowledge that a week after our wedding, we'll be doing pretty much the same thing as what we were doing before getting married: taking our weekly walks to fourth street in berkeley to get our hoffman game bird chicken, going to the gym together on sunday morning, or poking around on my computer while he programs. these moments have become part of our life together, and i wouldn't give them up for the world.

and yet, there is that nostalgic feeling of yeah, this is our last weekend together as single people. much as i used to believe the whole marriage thing was a senseless piece of bureaucracy, an institution designed to exclude, and much as i've avoided deluding myself that either of us will magically change on marriage, i know, instinctively, that marriage means something huge, and that something huge will change between us.

we were trying to work this out as we took our walk together today. it's a hard thing to put into words. marriage, i suppose, marks an era of commitment, not that you don't have commitment when you date exclusively, and even live together, as we have done for the last year or so. but this commitment feel qualitatively different. this commitment is for real. because both of us believe, and intend, marriage to be until death do us part, and it's scary, too, to think we are intending to be together for more years than either of us have been alive. what does that say about a leap of faith? about trust?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

what a rip!

okay, this is the first time i've ever bought baseball tix, and i'm only doing it now because japanese relatives are coming to town. but man, what a rip off! first, there's the "convenience fee" of $3.00 per ticket for using the on-line system! And _then_ there's a $3.50 ordering processing fee, and *then* they wanted to charge $2.50 more if i wanted to print it at home on my computer,using my electricity, my ink, my paper. j.h.c! enough all ready!!! they charge us because they can, because we will pay extra for the convenience and efficiency of buying tix at home on line, and ka-ching! they can reel in the cash.

f*ckers.

Friday, June 08, 2007

me want eat ur brain!

where does the time go? oh right, i've been idling away the hours playing the last stand, a browser game of surprising complexity, with good solid graphics and eerily realistic sound. the goal--you've survived some sort of apocalypse, you've barricaded yourself into a building, and now you have to make one last stand... against the zombies who want to eat your brains! if you can survive long enough, the u.s. army will come and rescue you, and the game is over.

you start out with a simple automatic, and you have to survive until dawn against the first wave of zombies, shooting them down. the grunts and cries of the zombies are accompanied by the satisfying squelch of dead flesh giving way to the bullets, and the death cries as the zombies squirt blood and collapse to the ground. okay, now you have 12 hours before nightfall, and you've got some options. you can divide up your time searching for survivors, who will help you shoot the zombies and can make your days more efficient, you can look for weapons--better than the little pea shooter you start off with, and you'd better spend some time fixing your barricade, because if that goes down, it's brain taco time.

okay, we all know that shotguns are the best weapon against zombies, but in this case, i found the reloading time aggravatingly slow, even with the powerful shot. normally, if you can escape or withdraw, this wouldn't be a problem, but in a game where you as stuck, it spells death pretty quickly. you actually get two weapons, a primary and a back up. i sadly put away the shotgun and chose, for my primary, a nice uzi, upgrading to an ak47 when it was available, with a chainsaw for a back up. sweet, blessed chainsaw! turn those mf-ers into meatloaf! it never runs out of gas. the only drawback is, of course, the lack of range, but when they're right in front of you tearing apart your barricade, you kind of want something mroe direct, anyway.

sadly, despite the hours i've logged on this game, i have yet to really figure out consistently how to aim. you move with the wasd keys, aim and fire with the mouse, but i couldn't get the hang of it.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

to sleep, perchance to dream

i am a cursedly light sleeper. the slightest noise, the slightest movement will wake me up. this is bad news for someone who has to share a double bed with three cats and a fidgety boyfriend in a transitional neighborhood. sometimes it's the neighbors down the street shouting at each other. sometimes it's just someone walking down the street talking too loudly on a cell phone. or the cats scratching at the door to be let out, or in, or just getting up to clean themselves. or the boyfriend flipping about. or the light from the neighbor's bathroom shining into our bedroom window through a crack in the curtains. i've tried eye masks and ear plugs--unfortunately, the sensation of them is enough to keep me awake, though i suppose if i kept it up long enough i'd get used to them.

i remember an old cartoon- can't remember if it was porky the pig or daffy duck, but anyway, he can't get any sleep because there's all sorts of disturbances, and gradually his eyes get more and more bloodshot and he becomes more and more insane. this is how i feel, insane with out sleep, disproportionately angry for it. the need to sleep reaches an almost painful desperation. i fantasize about a sound-proofed, completely dark with a comfortable bed where i can just sleep sleep sleep. it seems like forever since i've last slept well enough to wake up refreshed.