seeking something

i've been lacking something in my life lately, a sense of higher purpose, maybe. my nose has been to the grindstone too long, i need to look out, gain some perspective. i've been feeling this way ever since my mom passed away a couple of years back. the sense of loss is profound and irrecoverable. true, time makes it less acute, but the pain and the emptiness are still there, the abyss is still there, unable to be closed or filled.

in the meantime, i've gotten indolent, unmotivated. in my school program, i'm just barely making it by. why? because i have a hard time convincing myself that i care about anything, about life, about living, about progress. on some level, i do know that i care, and there are brief moments when the clouds part and a ray of light shines down and i see, clearly, a bright future glimmering in the distance. and then the mist closes around me and i feel lost again, blundering through the world, blind beyond the sight of my two hands.

it's a difficult situation to be in. i need to discipline myself, regain some of the will power that i've lost. some one once told me, "make your word count." i want to stand by that. i want to be able to say i'm going to do something, and then do everything i can to make it happen. i'm so far from that now that my word is a flimsy piece of foil that tears and crumbles easily with the slightest disturbance. but your word is the most direct link between thought and deed. if you want to pray for something, you have to earn, make the universe understand you deserve it, by first following through on your word.