silly silly girl

i can't stop thinking that this is my last (insert activity here) as a single person. it's silly because i know, practically speaking, not much will change. after all, it's not as if i've been flirting like crazy, or doing things without ryan that i wouldn't do with him. in fact, i'm secure in the knowledge that a week after our wedding, we'll be doing pretty much the same thing as what we were doing before getting married: taking our weekly walks to fourth street in berkeley to get our hoffman game bird chicken, going to the gym together on sunday morning, or poking around on my computer while he programs. these moments have become part of our life together, and i wouldn't give them up for the world.

and yet, there is that nostalgic feeling of yeah, this is our last weekend together as single people. much as i used to believe the whole marriage thing was a senseless piece of bureaucracy, an institution designed to exclude, and much as i've avoided deluding myself that either of us will magically change on marriage, i know, instinctively, that marriage means something huge, and that something huge will change between us.

we were trying to work this out as we took our walk together today. it's a hard thing to put into words. marriage, i suppose, marks an era of commitment, not that you don't have commitment when you date exclusively, and even live together, as we have done for the last year or so. but this commitment feel qualitatively different. this commitment is for real. because both of us believe, and intend, marriage to be until death do us part, and it's scary, too, to think we are intending to be together for more years than either of us have been alive. what does that say about a leap of faith? about trust?